Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to tell you all about my absolutely horrid week. The week wasn’t so bad, I had some good time with my husband as he was off for five days straight, however my body was in complete disarray the entire time. Last month I missed a period, which by the way had me very paranoid despite two negative pregnancy tests. I missed a period because I changed the day I start a new pack of birth control from Sunday to Thursday (skipped over some of the white pills and went straight to the new pack, which is fine since I have the option of skipping the white pills all together and just taking the pink ones back to back). I was more distressed because I am as regular as bills (much better analogy as it is always the same timing month after month ).

So naturally this month I paid for that missed period, big time. My abdomen started hurting days before my period even started. Pretty much when my PMDD kicks in, which is about three or four days before. I must say I did pretty well with the PMDD this month, despite it not being so great. There was very little crying and I was able to control my mood swings by stifling them pretty quickly. But my fatigue was through the roof. I spent most of Thursday sitting in bed with my laptop and Saturday I was asleep pretty much the entire day because neither Aleve nor Midol were having any effect on the cramps I had or the body aches I was feeling.

Today I’m still feeling the tail end of the PMDD and haven’t gotten much of anything done as a result. Even though my mind is willing my body simply doesn’t want to move. I’ve folded the laundry and taken out the trash, and I went to knitting though I didn’t get much done there either. I’m hoping that with a good night’s rest and an early start tomorrow, I can get a lot done. I have to clean the guest room and bathrooms/kitchen to prep for my father-in-law’s arrival on Friday.

And I fully intend to work outside the house. Even when I get my own business started, I’m going to have an office away from the house. Working at home is awesome and all but it is exceedingly easy to get distracted. Plus I’ve heard many people who work way too much at home because they do not set “office hours”. With a real office there is none of that. I work from when I get there to when I leave and if I need to do some extra time, I stay late or go in early. Not to mention, I’ll be meeting with clients face-to-face and it’s nice to have a guaranteed space to do so in peace and quiet (as opposed to meeting out at a coffee bar or something).

Anyhow… This morning started with getting up at 7a.m. to let out and feed all the animals. Spent an hour checking some things online and then crawled back into bed to lie there for an hour till it was time to go for our walk. We took the dogs with us which… I’m not doing again for a long time. We got these “no-pull” harnesses at Petco the other day and yeah right, no-pull my ass. I knew we should have gotten the head halter ones, which yank their head back when they pull, causing them to slow down. The harnesses tighten around the ribs when they pull and that does not stop them, at all. They just pant and pull harder than before. By the time we got to the turn-around point they were drolling foamy nastiness… AND STILL FREAKING PULLING MY ARM OFF!!

So the solution is: I will walk all three dogs individually at dusk when it’s cooled off. This will keep them from spazing out and allow me to train them when to stop, sit, etc. No offense to my husband but he’s never actually trained a dog. I had a lot of good advice when my family hired a trainer for Kayla (our rottweiler) and I’ve retained it. Ashamed to say I haven’t implemented it on my dogs to the full extent. Ada and Ash are pretty good with sit, out, cage, upstairs, downstairs and Ada understands lay but neither get stay (Ada used to but doesn’t listen to it anymore). However, the puppy – Lani understands… sit, stay, down, couch, out, cage, room, bed, lay, and kangaroo (among many others). “Kangaroo?” you ask. Heh, yes, kangaroo. Kangaroo means to stand on her hind legs and then sit on them, so she looks like a kangaroo! She also knows what treat means and she goes f’ing a-wall when you say it.

But Lani understands all these commands because she’s actually been trained. Nathan (my big brother) did some before he brought her to me and then I continued it. I can add on to her command list very easily because she’s really very smart (despite acting like a retard sometimes). She learned how to play fetch in all of 10 minutes and now understands “get it” and “drop it” from playing. I did some training when Ada and Ash were puppies (this is why they know how to sit) but I didn’t do it enough to make it really stick, or for them to understand – oh mommy wants my attention. In combination with that they’ve learned some not so cool tricks from my husband, like jumping up and putting their paws on his shoulders – which they still try to do to me every now and then.

But this will all change in time. It may take a while but they’ll get it eventually. Let’s just hope it all sticks this time!

So back to what I’ve done today… After the walk, Joshua and I did our stay/yoga ball routine (30min dvd) and messed around till he went to work (he was making food n I was gaming mostly). After he was off I washed all three dogs, took a short break to catch my breath, and then vacuumed the house, cleaned the cat boxes, and gathered up the dishes & trash. I’m about to go do the dishes, which are (as ever) endless, after which I will shower and then fold & put away the laundry.

And my day doesn’t end there! Tonight at 7pm there is a meetup for the Hampton Roads Web Developer’s Brigade. I’ll be biking down to the mall around 6pm to meet with them. (I need 30 minutes between arriving and the meeting to cool down and change. Nobody wants to meet me when I’m all sweaty & gross heh) I’ve been looking forward to this meetup for a while so I’m glad a lot of people RSVP’d in the last few days and that it will be a good sized group. I’m hoping to make some lasting connections and network my ass off. Wish me luck!

Anyhow, Wednesday night I had a good workout. I’m getting a little better at being consistent but I’m also in PMDD mode right now so honestly if I don’t feel like it tonight, it ain’t happenin’. Which is likely since I just busted my ass doing the guest room and Joshua will likely want to drag me to the grocery store to get food for himself. I went yesterday after my trip to Starbucks (where I got a free vanilla bean frap and edited some of Nathan’s book).

So what did I get at the grocery? Lots of fresh yummies. Essentially I’m tired of eating junk. I don’t mean junk food (like pizza) but junk, food with no nutritional value, food that leaves me hungry again in an hour. And with all the bike riding and exercising I know I haven’t been getting enough good stuff into my body because I stay sore much longer than I should. My body doesn’t have the supplies to fix all the damage I’m doing to it. (Which, by the way, I’d like to report that my quads are becoming big rocks, woo! Now if the rest of my thighs would shape up ) So I bought….

• Romaine Lettuce
• Carrots (biggun’s not those lil snackers, I’ll cut em up myself thanks)
• Red Onion
• Asparagus
• Broccoli (for Joshua)
• Yellow Nectarines (my favorite fruit, period)
• Bananas
• Red Grapes
• Radishes
• Koolaid (Which I make with less sugar and more water than the cup it calls for)
• 1 whole cut up chicken (Which I baked with just some salt, pepper, and cumin and is for topping the salads)
• Avocados (which I’ll be mashing up later)
• 1lb bag of Sourdough pretzels (Cause they are yummy to  snack on when I’m craving salty stuff)

And for something sweet, I will making my sugar cookies again. It’s been a while since I’ve made any and they are so cheap and easy. Not to mention they are to-die-for good. One batch yields something like 48 little cookies (I use a small biscuit cutter for them) and that only costs maybe $2 of ingredients. But I’m missing some so I’ll have to buy them at the store today (or whenever Joshua decides he wants to go). And they are things I can’t get around, like vanilla extract heh.

(And I love blogging and reminding myself about stuff I need ha!)

For the weather, I know it’s been hot as sin in most places – which is no less true here than there. It’s been in the 100′s several times this past week but yesterday we had a nice little reprieve. I was out at Starbucks at the peak heat hours and it was only 85! I actually sat outside under one of the umbrellas and was perfectly content. I could have sat there for several hours if I knew it wouldn’t have me spending money I don’t have! haha ;) You know I’m the Queen of that. (Bad habit I am desperately trying to stop doing)

Speaking of spending money, I shall be trying to convince Joshua to go to Orapax tonight. The Orapax is a local greek restaurant that’s in the middle of the bike trail we ride. It’s the place I may have mentioned that gives you free birthday dinner! But anyhow, they sent me an email with a coupon for July. It’s for 2 for 1 dinner. You just pay for 2 drinks and the higher priced item of the two dinners. We don’t get to go out and have good food very often so when we get an opportunity to do it cheaply, I jump at it.

What else is going on… hrmm… I’ve started making scarves for winter to sell on my Etsy. People look at me odd when I say that but in order to have any sort of inventory for winter I need to start now. That stuff doesn’t knit itself you know! (I wish it did, that’d be awesome :h:) And I want to have plenty for people to choose from.  I’m currently working with a sage green variegated yarn by homespun, so it’s going to be a very nice scarf when it’s finished. I’m going to do some crochet pieces as well and possibly a blanket or two (definitely not doing very many unless they are custom ordered. Those things take forever to finish). And of course I’m continuing to make jewelry pieces.

And to wrap it all up, I began watching a show last night called Live Nude Comedy. Before you get any ideas it’s not nude comedians it’s burlesque performers in between comedy sets. 2 comedians and 2 dancers per episode. It’s rather amusing to be honest. Not the best burlesque dancers I’ve ever seen but then I have the option of fast-forwarding if they suck, ha! I think I’ll go watch some more and probably get a “wtf?” look from Joshua when he finally gets home (where are you husband???).

So what have you been up to?

Soooo… I’ve been thinking about going to therapy. I’ve been looking to find a psychiatrist close by that I can go see. Yes, a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Since I want to try out a different anti-depressant, I need someone able to prescribe it rather than going to my family doctor for it. Essentially I’m facing a reality I wanted to deny and that is that I am still in a depression and I have been, whether on and off or not, for the last… four years? And after watching this documentary and finding our what long term depression actually does to your brain, I’ve decided it’s not a good idea to continue ignoring the fact that I have it and come to grips with the fact that no matter how much I may want to be able to get better on my own, I can’t.

Depression has had a horrid impact on my ability to function. And I mean that in many different ways. I’ve become a horrible student and it’s cost me time, money, and stress that I don’t even want to begin tabulating. I was dropped from my Java class with session due to my inability to do my work. Shameful, I know but I knew it was coming. While I’m upset at myself for not being able to pull through, it was something that made me stop and say, “What am I doing?” and really reevaluate where I am. It’s also giving me the change to focus on my other course without distractions of being behind in another class. So I can still salvage a good grade (B+ to A-) from the only class I have left this session.

As far as relationships, I think I’ve been a downer. I’ve always felt a sense of duty to my husband, to be there for him, because in the past I haven’t always been. I kind of do it to a fault now though. A typical military wife sort of idea that I always have to be the strong rock for him to lean on I guess. And most of all depression has made me cling to a flaw I have always had – bottling everything up until I explode. I mean, this is a prime example, I’ve gone four years knowing I should get help and have I? No.

I feel like I would be in a much different place, be much different (better) if I had gotten help when I first hit bottom. And now that I’ve waited so long I think it will take twice as long to recover.

In other news, the weather has been hectic, up and down, sunny then rainy, hot and humid. I’ve not been going out into it much unless I need something. I’ll be going today to the store to get some groceries and such but I doubt I’ll venture out for anything else. I went to the mall Monday. That was fun as I hadn’t biked there before and I got a few tank tops & a pair of earrings. I also played with the new HTC Evo and can’t wait to get one.

I have a lot of work to do later today. Lets just hope I can focus long enough to get it done.

I haven’t been feeling very well lately. Between being sore, pulling the muscle in my lower back, migraines 3+ times last week, and generally just feeling unmotivated to do anything at all,I’ve just not been very happy. In addition to that it is finals week for my classes. I have until Wednesday night at 11:59 p.m. to finish all my work for these courses because as of midnight that night I will be starting my new classes. Yep, it’s that seamless. And my next courses are in no way easy and will be eating up A LOT of my time.

I’m not really upset about being busy. Busy is good! It makes me feel good, makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and not being a slacker if you know what I mean. And to be honest, that is what I feel like lately. A lazy slacker. I haven’t gotten my designs done for Oomlaute and EagerAmateur, I haven’t blogged as much as I should, haven’t been ahead of schedule on my schoolwork (like I wanted to be), and so much else that I really truly WANT to do but just can’t bring myself to get done. I seriously just want to crawl under a rock and snore for a year (which I probably could do if it was comfortable lol).

And yes, I realize I’m whining again. So moving along.

Next session I have part two of a Java course and a class on American Politics. Now before you make any snide remarks about “American Politics” I’ll have you know that this was a class I elected to take. Out of all the options I thought that this one would benefit me the most. Obviously it’s one of those credits you pick to just fill a category of your “broad” college education (IE: has nothing to do with your actual degree but the institutions idea of making you a well rounded person, AKA get more money out of you). But I hope to actually learn a lot in this class. To be honest the last presidential election was the first I actually got somewhat involved in. I didn’t do anything but I did follow the news and the election closely to make my decision rather than just voting on a whim or on what the people around me said (thinking for yourself? priceless). To be quite honest though, the whole process and system is so unnecessarily complicated that it’s bloody confusing (which is probably the point but whatever). So fingers crossed that I learn some new stuff! (Learning in school? I know right?)

Onwards! Josh pulled Oblivion out of the woodwork and started playing it again about a week or so ago so I got the urge to play it again too. To be honest I didn’t play it much when it was released (which is when we got our copies) so it’s almost like it’s still brand new to me. It’s a great looking game, absolutely amazing gameplay, and good stories just like all the Elder Scroll games so needless to say it is fun to play. However, as always the downside is I have to switch operating systems to play the fucking thing. Now, I don’t have much against Windows (other than it’s a complete piece of shit in comparison to OSX) but it would be nice if the gaming industry would start making Mac compatible games (or rather MORE of them). I mean, I’m glad that some of them are – like EA – but none of the games I really enjoy are being made for Mac. But yeah, anyway, if you haven’t played Oblivion (or Elder Scrolls I-IV) you should!

I ordered a new keyboard and mouse combo today off Amazon. A used Logitech combo that is in box condition (practically new). It’s white and pink, which is cool, and it was cheap. So what’s wrong with the one I’m using now? Lani chewed up the wire on my wired Apple keyboard. You know, that nice thin beauty they make? Meh… And I don’t want to pay for a new one. So I’ve been using my notebook mouse and was using my wireless Apple keyboard, which I like but when I switch over to Windows I have to constantly fiddle with it to make sure Windows is, in fact, connected to the damn thing. So the new keyboard is wireless BUT it ISN’T Bluetooth, which is how the Apple ones work. It has a little USB station to catch the signals which works better for me since Windows won’t have to mess with Bluetooth (which it is, in my experience, bad at). I’m using my brother’s USB keyboard in the interim but it apparently had coke spilt on it at some point ( I assume it’s coke.. though honestly it looks like something peed on it rofl) so the keys are very sticky and you have to practically pound the keys (which works well for Nate ha) and I find it quite annoying. I am having to use backspace…. a lot. >_<

Anyhow! PMDD time has  kicked off with a healthy dose of back pain, mood swings, and unmotivated behavior. The meds are helping quite a bit but it’s obvious they aren’t going to get rid of or quiet all the symptoms. And yep, it blows.

Wine colored halter dress

But anyway! I was semi-productive last night! I pulled out this dress that I’ve had for like.. three years now. I bought it at Ross and it had a faulty zipper so it was like.. five bucks or something ridiculously cheap. So I picked up, walked my butt over to Walmart (at that point I was still living next door to one) and got a new zipper for it. I had the zipper pinned in place and then for some reason I never got around to sewing it! Well I pulled it out last night and finished it. It’s so pretty. I love it. Problem is my ass has gotten fat (more like my gut) and while I can squeeze into it, it doesn’t look flattering lol. So it is handing on my office door, waiting. Motivation? Yes, it is. Pity I haven’t gotten my elliptical up here yet. That’s a task for tomorrow (since I have to take it apart).

In addition to the dress I quickly whipped together a pillow for a new dog bed for Lani (my chihuahua/dachshund, who by the way mom I’m not getting rid of. I’ll just bitchslap someone if they keep misbehaving). She’s enjoying it. I didn’t sew it up all the way so that I can take it apart to be washed and such. (I don’t have an extra zipper lying around to do it that way, unfortunately)

And hey, I finally finished my laundry (though technically I haven’t put it AWAY yet…) which is pretty quick for me. It only took like.. three days. LOL!! Yes, that is quick for me… Shut up. I don’t need you judging me!

So I have a doctors appointment with what I affectionately call the “Coochie doctor” lol. Yes I mean the GYN. And I have no idea if it’s the same one I saw last time. I’m going to ask about whether there is additional medication I can take to try and keep my PMDD in check. I’m not sure whether anti-depressants are going to sit well with me.. but it’s worth a shot right? If it doesn’t work well I can stop taking them and it doesn’t cost me anything. But if it does work I have a better quality of life. YAY! I’m also going to ask about this chronic fatigue shit. I’m sure they’ll just tell me to improve my diet and exercise but I’d like to know that, if that doesn’t work, what I can do to help it out. I’m honestly tired of sleeping so much. I feel like life is just passing me by.

School is going alright. For the most part I’m still keeping up with things. As always I could be doing more and getting better but you know how that goes. I’m enjoying my Ethics class now to be honest. We’ve gotten into real scenarios and such so it makes it so much more interesting.

Now to go blog elsewhere ;)