I essentially lost a day. I slept err… about 85% of yesterday’s 24 hour period away. And before you jump to the conclusion of “I’m a lazy ass”, let me tell you that I slept because 1) Joshua wanted me to snuggle when he went to bed and I couldn’t refuse, 2) I’m still on PMDD reign of terror mode and therefore seriously fatigued, and 3) because of the whole period business my back and abdomen are killing me between cramps and general pain – so sleeping feels really good.

Soooo… I’ve been thinking about going to therapy. I’ve been looking to find a psychiatrist close by that I can go see. Yes, a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. Since I want to try out a different anti-depressant, I need someone able to prescribe it rather than going to my family doctor for it. Essentially I’m facing a reality I wanted to deny and that is that I am still in a depression and I have been, whether on and off or not, for the last… four years? And after watching this documentary and finding our what long term depression actually does to your brain, I’ve decided it’s not a good idea to continue ignoring the fact that I have it and come to grips with the fact that no matter how much I may want to be able to get better on my own, I can’t.

Depression has had a horrid impact on my ability to function. And I mean that in many different ways. I’ve become a horrible student and it’s cost me time, money, and stress that I don’t even want to begin tabulating. I was dropped from my Java class with session due to my inability to do my work. Shameful, I know but I knew it was coming. While I’m upset at myself for not being able to pull through, it was something that made me stop and say, “What am I doing?” and really reevaluate where I am. It’s also giving me the change to focus on my other course without distractions of being behind in another class. So I can still salvage a good grade (B+ to A-) from the only class I have left this session.

As far as relationships, I think I’ve been a downer. I’ve always felt a sense of duty to my husband, to be there for him, because in the past I haven’t always been. I kind of do it to a fault now though. A typical military wife sort of idea that I always have to be the strong rock for him to lean on I guess. And most of all depression has made me cling to a flaw I have always had – bottling everything up until I explode. I mean, this is a prime example, I’ve gone four years knowing I should get help and have I? No.

I feel like I would be in a much different place, be much different (better) if I had gotten help when I first hit bottom. And now that I’ve waited so long I think it will take twice as long to recover.

In other news, the weather has been hectic, up and down, sunny then rainy, hot and humid. I’ve not been going out into it much unless I need something. I’ll be going today to the store to get some groceries and such but I doubt I’ll venture out for anything else. I went to the mall Monday. That was fun as I hadn’t biked there before and I got a few tank tops & a pair of earrings. I also played with the new HTC Evo and can’t wait to get one.

I have a lot of work to do later today. Lets just hope I can focus long enough to get it done.